Back to School for Toddlers to Teens

Going back to school or starting a new school…or just starting school the first time for our littlest ones…is a mixed bag for kids and for their parents. The process and the thoughts about it are seasoned with excitement as well as creeping anxiety.     What’s a parent to do?

For First Timers to Pre School...

…The start can be more emotion filled for the parent  than for the child. After all, the child doesn’t really know what to expect. The most challenging part is, of course, the separation. It takes a whole lot of trust for a parent to believe her child will (eventually) be just fine without her. Most of our little ones grow to love school. It is critical for the parent to keep control of her feelings and worries, not leaking them to the child.

Open and frequent communication with the director and teachers is key. Ask questions, share your feelings, get the support you may need. Preschool directors are usually pros in this area.

Know that as the child gets accustomed to life as a preschool student, it is not uncommon to see regressions and even undesirable behaviors.  Previously great sleepers may suddenly have disrupted sleep.  You may see  separation difficulties at different times, defiant behaviors, crabby moods, sibling discord,  quick to tantrum…the works!  These behaviors, I promise, will settle down. But they are often a part of starting preschool or even elementary school kindergarten with all the new routines and “rules.”  Much safer for the child to let it out at home than at school!

In preparation for starting Pre School or Kindergarten,  I offer:

If possible, drive or walk by the school a lot, saying, “Soon you will  go to this school. We will go together as you get started.” (…Presuming the school allows for a proper separation process.)

Talk about school, but not too much. It is  the real experience that helps the child grow comfortable. Too much talk won’t help and gives it too much weight. There are a few perfect picture books that illustrate going to school, too.

Eliminate the cautions, “You won’t be able to do that in school.”  or “No peeing in your pants at school.”  Don’t make school a place to fear.

Different kids, different adjustment process.No one can say how it will be for your child. Some children adjust quickly; others not so much. Some separate quickly; others take a while. Adapt your process to your child, his needs, and the advice of the school.

For Elementary School Age Children…

…Thinking about the start of school can churn up worries.  What’s it going to be like? Will my friends still be my friends?  New teachers, new classrooms, new friends, new expectations, new routines, new things to learn.  On top of that, just getting back into the swing of things–the school day routines–is not only stress inducing, but it can be demanding after the lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer.

Researchers believe that the brains of humans evolved to feel calmed by repetitive behavior and that our daily routines help us to manage stress. (Do you always drive to work the same way, despite all the other routes? How about the order of getting dressed—first shower, then tooth brushing, then deodorant?) Daily routines and rituals help us feel in control. And so it is with children as they begin their school year it made be hard at first, but it enables the child’s coming comfort and adjustment to school life.

A mindful transition from summer to the school year, done gradually and purposefully before school actually starts, will go a long way towards easing that transition and lessening the new year stress and for some, the big jitters.

Here are some tips for starting the school year off smoothly:

Mind your attitude. Not all children are excited about the start of school, but a positive attitude can be contagious. Instead of saying things like, “Your teacher won’t allow that kind of behavior in school,” try being positive by saying, “I know your teacher will be so excited to hear all about our trip to the mountains.”

Help this child get fired up about what he might learn this school year: “This is the year that you get to study astronomy. I can’t wait for you to teach me which star is which.”

Follow your child’s lead in bringing up the topic of school. Don’t talk about school too much. At the same time, don’t avoid the topic. “You haven’t said a peep about school starting.  I wonder what you are thinking about that?”

Validate her/his feelings. Acknowledge whatever feelings your child has about going back to school.  If she is sad, if she is nervous, if she is excited…her feelings are her feelings. Don’t try to talk her out of them.  Let her know that you get it. Remind her that it takes time to get comfy and that, in time, her feelings will change.

For the anxious child, take the time to describe and note together those things about which he is worried. Make a list together. Record his worries on a video.  After school has begun you can play it back, and he can answer his own worries.  Not so worried anymore!

Introduce your child’s school-night bedtime before school starts. School-age children need 9 to 11 hours of sleep, and as they may have gone to bed later during the summer, sleep time usually needs to be adjusted for the start of school-nights.   (Interestingly, research has shown us that people of all ages sleep better if they observe the same bedtime every night, weekends and summers included.)

With your elementary school age and younger child,  begin bedtime 15 minutes earlier on each of seven days before the start of school.  Each night, take it back a few more minutes, until you reach the desired bed time.

Children should awaken naturally in the morning after they have had the amount of sleep needed. If your child does not, you will need to adjust her bedtime earlier. She needs to become accustomed to getting up at the time that works for her and for you on school days. (And isn’t it interesting how they pop right up, bright and early, on the weekends!)

Introduce your school night routine a full week before the actual start of school. While you may have allowed TV or tech time before bed in the summer, it is not a great way to help your child reach calm and be ready for bed on a school-night. Researchers tell us that the blue light emitted from screens actually undermines our ability to fall asleep. Go back to your routine of bath/shower, books, and tuck time. Get back to your low-key rituals that include an intimate bed time chat, downloading her day.

Adjust your morning routine. A few days before school begins, introduce the school morning routine. A sure-fire way to start the morning out right with your young child — without fights about clothing and the like —is to follow this schedule:

1. Snuggle time with you, first thing (Hopefully, even your older kids still crave it!)
2. Get dressed (Beginning at 4 years old, children choose their own clothing, hopefully laying out their outfits the night before, and they dress themselves!)
3. Eat breakfast, but only after your child is fully dressed. (If you are worried that he will get his school clothes dirty, throw on one of your old tee shirts over his clothes.)
4. Brush teeth.
5. Bonus time! (a few minutes on the computer (for older kids), a quick game of Go Fish or Uno or Lego time for the littles.)

Designate and make ready a homework place. For even the most reluctant child, there’s nothing quite like brand new school supplies. (Remember?) After you have shopped with your child, decide with her where she will do her homework. Not only should she have her notebook supplies, but she can also feather her homework nest. The more involved she is, the more willing she will be to settle down and get to work when the time comes.  (FYI, I am not a fan of doing homework in the same room a parent is preparing dinner. The student needs to be by himself, and, for the younger ones, with a parent close and available…but not right there.)

For Middle/High School Age  Children…

…The start of school may be flavored with sadness, as the freedom that comes with summer slips away.  This child may not talk about it at all. But you can tell what is going on.  As you well know, we parent teens differently than we parent our younger kids. The start of school can be just as big for them as it is for younger children. It is filled with many questions, issues, and worries about what is to come—class achievement, sports pressures, college choices, social issues,  etc…

With your teen, lead with listening and asking questions. “How are you feeling about going back to school? Is there any subject to which you are looking forward?”   Empathize with his response when it isn’t what you dreamed. “I know how hard it is to go back to school.  Ugh.”

Make no “big” changes until the teen gets over the first few days. Allow the social adjustment to play out during this  time.

Know that a heavy hand is not the way to start the new school year.  Not only is it likely to backfire, but it sets a bad tone for your relationship as the school year begins.  Your rules and boundaries will evolve and result from conversations and collaborations. Note what isn’t going well, and have the conversations bit by bit. whether they are about phone usage, bedtimes, or household responsibilities.

Bedtime. You can imagine how hard it is to demand a “bed time” with your teens. We know that teen brains which are actually different than they were or will be, seem to trigger a later “sleepy time.” But an ongoing conversation about the importance of sleep and what it does for a person’s body may help, along with your modeling needing to go to sleep at a reasonable time.

Unfortunately, you have much less power over your teen’s night time routines. However, you are the one who, with her input,  makes rules about devices in rooms, what time they shut down, etc…  It is a conversation you will need to have as school begins. It is not a declaration.

As an aside, your teens should be responsible for getting themselves up in the morning. Don’t make his rising your responsibility.   Old fashioned alarm clocks with really loud ringers are still available.  He will have to figure out his time needs after school has begun; it is not anything you can impose on a teen. Let him experience the consequences of his  decisions in order to figure it out.  And then allow him to experience the consequences of his choices, good and not-so-good.

Compromise is key. When setting rules and boundaries, involve your child. You are more likely to get buy-in if s/he has had a hand in the decisions.

With regard to back-to-school shopping with teens, you have less to say in this area than you might like. You can, however, offer to accompany her on the school supply shopping trip. Teens do love being funded.  Alternatively, you can trust her ability to get it done.Know that

Know that back to school is a process for all children. Be patient. Be understanding.  And allow the process to unfold. It won’t be perfect, and it won’t be all bad. It is a big change.